RO:

Am inceput sa scriu acest articol in octombrie 2020, cand pentru prima oara in sase luni de cand incercam sa raman insarcinata pentru a doua oara, a iesit primul test… aproape pozitiv. Spun “aproape” pentru ca cea de-a doua linie era foarte estompata. Insa fiind un test facut in prima zi de intarziere a ciclului menstrual, nu m-am ingrijorat si m-am gandit ca in mod cert este o sarcina. De-a lungul acestor sase luni (din mai pana in octombrie) am facut zeci de teste, in mod obsesiv, de parca nu puteam accepta ideea de test negativ. Deja ajunsesem sa stiu toate tipurile de teste, ce cantitate de HCG detecta fiecare in parte, care sunt potrivite pentru a afla din prima zi de intarziere, care nu, care sunt mai renumite, care sunt mai putin recomandate. Si bazandu-ma pe teoria conform careia aproape niciodata nu iese un test de sarcina fals pozitiv, aproape ca ma entuziasmasem 🙂 De fapt o facusem (oricat de mult negam), din moment ce incepusem deja sa imi caut colanti de gravida pentru la iarna 😀

Inainte de a incepe intreaga poveste cu cea de-a doua sarcina, as vrea sa spun ca niciodata pana la 2 ani ai lui Alexei nu m-am gandit ca imi doresc cu adevarat al doilea copil, eram foarte convinsa ca ne este bine in aceasta formula doar. Dar lucrurile au devenit din ce in ce mai bune, mai frumoase si mai haioase dupa 18 luni (cand Alexei deja mergea si incepuse sa vorbeasca cateva cuvinte pe limba lui, care ne inlesneau eforturile de a-l intelege), noptile au devenit din ce in ce mai lungi si mai odihnitoare, am fost feriti de tantrumuri (aproape complet, cele cateva tantrumuri pe care le-a avut de-a lungul timpului au fost din fericire scurte si usor de gestionat) si cumva… mi s-a facut dor de perioada de bebeluseala. La doi ani ani si o saptamana mi-a revenit menstruatia dupa nastere (stiu, am fost o norocoasa si chiar m-am bucurat nespus ca a revenit atat de tarziu) si abia atunci am inceput sa incercam sa ramanem “insarcinati” pentru a doua oara. Stiu ca parerile sunt foarte diferite legat de acest aspect, am vorbit cu foarte multe mamici despre acest subiect, insa voi prezenta experienta mea si sfaturile primite de medicul meu.

Exista mitul cum ca alaptarea este o metoda contraceptiva si mi s-a spus adesea ca daca alaptez imi va fi greu sa raman insarcinata. Medicul meu mi-a spus din primul moment ca nu este catusi de putin adevarat acest mit si ca pot ramane insarcinata chiar si alaptand, indiferent de cat de mult suge copilul ziua sau noaptea. In schimb, mi-a explicat ca faptul ca nu aveam inca menstruatie da, era o problema. Eu sincer ma bazam pe faptul ca absenta menstruatiei dupa nastere nu este de fapt o amenoree reala, fara ovulatie, insa se pare ca ce stiam eu este gresit. Medicul meu mi-a explicat ca atat vreme cat corpul nu are menstruatie, este imposibil sa raman insarcinata. Iar cazurile (destul de rare) in care femeile pot ramane insarcinate fara menstruatie au o explicatie destul de simpla: au ramas insarcinate fix in luna in care urma sa revina menstruatia. Astfel ca daca nu ramaneau insarcinate in acel moment, ar fi urmat sa aiba menstruatie chiar in acea luna. Un fel de perfect timing 🙂 Bineinteles ca nu sunt in masura sa imi dau cu parerea despre aceste aspecte medicale, insa mi s-a parut o explicatie foarte rezonabila.

Bun, revenind 🙂 Pe 25 octombrie am facut un test Barza (la o zi de intarziere), stiind ca acestea pot detecta HCG-ul din organism chiar si atunci cand are valori mai mici. Barza Ultrasensibil. Am repetat apoi testele in fiecare zi pana pe 29 octombrie (chiar si 2-3 pe zi – stiam ca nu era normal sa o fac, dar o faceam, chiar si pe ascuns), diferite marci, diferite tipuri de teste, dar fiecare test avea acelasi rezultat. Cea de-a doua linie estompata. Desi nu as fi vrut sa merg la doctor intr-un stadiu atat de mic al sarcinii (ar fi putut sa aiba maxim 4 saptamani), eram atat de nelinistita incat a trebuit sa o fac ca sa scap putin de tot acest stres pe care mi-l dadea faptul ca nu stiam sigur daca sunt insarcinata. In filmul meu (complet nedocumentat si nefondat) aveam impresia ca este vorba fie de o sarcina ectopica (desi nu paream sa am niciun fel de simptom), fie de o sarcina ce avea sa se piarda (ma gandeam ca linia este estompata pentru ca nu se detecteaza suficient HCG, lucru care ma ingrijora pentru ca stiam ca la 48-72 de ore nivelul acestui hormon se dubleaza in corp, deci ar fi trebuit ca linia de test sa fie din ce in ce mai proeminenta, nu la fel de estompata sau chiar mai putin pe masura ce trecea timpul).

Astfel ca pe pe 29 octombrie am avut primul control la doctor. Daca cea de-a doua linie ar fi fost foarte proeminenta, nu as fi vrut sa merg la doctor pana in cel putin saptamana a 6a de sarcina, cand s-ar fi putut vedea si bataia de inima si confirma o sarcina. Stiam ca in acest moment singurul lucru pe care mi l-ar fi putut confirma doctorul ar fi fost ca da, s-ar fi vazut un sac amniotic (in cel mai fericit caz) si ca ar fi trebuit sa revin dupa 6-7 saptamani pentru a confirma bataia de inima, insa pentru a opri obsesia cu testele de sarcina facute zilnic, simteam nevoia sa merg la doctor. Imi era groaza de acest control. Mi-a fost si la prima sarcina (pierduta), si la Alexei. Pentru ca am ramas cu sechelele primei sarcine, care s-a oprit din evolutie (in saptamana 7-8), si mi-era greu, foarte, foarte greu sa ma gandesc ca voi trece din nou prin asa ceva. Dar ca un mecanism dubios de aparare, ma gandeam numai la asta si ma pregateam psihic pentru o astfel de veste din partea doctorului.

Pe 29 octombrie, la control, prima reactie a medicului a fost “nu vad nimic care sa imi indice o sarcina”. Nu m-a demoralizat foarte tare ce mi-a spus pentru ca eram extrem de pregatita pentru o veste pe care nu voiam sa o aud. Insa aproape de finalul ecografiei a fost un “hm… sau totusi… parca vad un punct”. Punctul pe care il vedea medicul era… fix un punct, nici nu imi dau seama cum de l-a identificat. Insa mi-a spus ca este posibil sa fie inceputul unui sac gestational, dar ca nu imi poate confirma acest lucru. Pentru ca ecografic, nu se putea identifica o sarcina la acel moment. M-a sfatuit sa incetez cu testele de sarcina si sa imi fac analiza de beta-HCG pentru a confirma o eventuala sarcina. Nu mi-a indicat sa o refac a doua zi (asa cum credeam ca trebuie facut, dupa experienta primei sarcini, cea pierduta) pentru ca la varsta aceea a sarcinii nu era relevant. Valoarea HCG-ului in acel moment ar fi fost suficienta ca sa confirmam prezenta sau inceputul unei sarcini. Mi-a recomandat sa ne revedem peste o saptamana sau chiar 10 zile si intre timp sa fac atat analiza de beta-HCG, cat si setul de analize tipice care se fac in primul trimestru de sarcina.

Am recoltat analizele la cateva zile dupa consult si din cauza ca aveam incluse in sistem mai multe investigatii (pe care nu apucasem sa le fac pana la acel moment), a fost nevoie sa fac aproximativ 40 de analize. Cand am ajuns acasa, fix beta HCG-ul lipsea din acea lista lunga de analize :))) Cumva universul conspira ca sa nu aflu daca sunt sau nu insarcinata. Insa fiind deja cel putin a 8a zi de intarziere, incepusem deja sa sper la o sarcina. Chiar daca nu ma gandeam foarte mult la acest lucru si incercam sa resping orice fel de entuziasmare, cumva simteam ca sunt insarcinata. Dupa ce am sunat la cei de la Regina Maria sa imi adauge pe setul de analize si HCG-ul, am primit rezultatul. Valoarea HCG-ului in cea de-a 8a zi de intarziere a ciclului menstrual era de 1360 mUI/mL.

Pe 4 noiembrie am fost la un control nou, pentru ca nivelul HCG-ului indica o sarcina si era important de confirmat ca nu era o sarcina extrauterina. Din fericire, la ecografie s-a vazut o sarcina intrauterinara, insa se vedea doar sacul gestational format. Embrionul nu era inca format. Insa spre deosebire de data trecuta, s-a putut confirma sarcina iar conform masuratorilor a fost evaluata la aproximativ 4 saptamani. Urmatoarea vizita la doctor a fost planificata pentru peste alte doua saptamani, cand aveam sa verificam daca embrionul se formeaza si daca are bataie de inima. Chiar daca nu imi place sa scriu acest lucru, am fost destul de descumpanita dupa aceasta vizita. Nu intelegeam de ce sarcina era atat de mica si de ce nivelul HCG-ului nu era mai mare, insa incercam sa ma gandesc cat mai pozitiv si sa ma bucur de faptul ca se formase sacul gestational. Dar faptul ca trebuia sa mai astept inca 2 saptamani pentru a confirma ca se aude si inima imi dadea o stare de neliniste pe care nu puteam sa o explic.

Cu toate acestea, planetele s-au aliniat astfel incat sa imi testeze rabdarea, asa ca am gasit urmatoarea programare la doctor abia peste 3 saptamani, pe 25 noiembrie (cand teoretic sarcina ar fi avut 7 saptamani). In tot acest timp am avut simptomele clasice (greata, dureri de sani – pe care le-am resimtit mult mai rau acum ca inca il alaptez pe Alexei, foame, oboseala). Fata de sarcina cu Alexei (pe care aproape ca nu am simtit-o) sarcina aceasta imi parea deja mai grea iar senzatia de greata m-a molesit si m-a facut sa fiu extrem de neproductiva. Imi era greu sa ma trezesc dimineata, simteam in permanenta nevoia sa mananc ceva ca sa se amelioreze greata si in general nu aveam deloc o dispozitie grozava. Nu aveam energie, nu aveam inspiratie, nu aveam chef de nimic. Ma simteam moale, mancam mai mult decat imi trebuia (ca sa ameliorez greata) si as fi putut sa dorm oriunde (inclusiv pe jos, pe podea, in timp ce ma jucam cu Alexei). Cumva simptomele acestea imi confirmau ca sarcina se dezvolta bine (desi la Alexei nu am simtit niciun moment ca sunt insarcinata, nu am avut niciun simptom, poate doar putin balonare) dar eram in continuare destul de ingrijorata. Simteam nevoia sa imi confirme medicul ca s-a format embrionul si ca se aude bataia de inima 🙂

Pe 25 noiembrie am primit aceasta confirmare. Bebelus micut, micut, de 7 saptamani, cu bataie de inima 🙂 Nu am auzit inima, insa am vazut-o batand pe ecran. Si chiar daca stiam sentimentul (prea bine chiar) si eram pregatita pentru valul de emotie ce avea sa vina, tot mi s-a parut ca eram inundata de fericire. Doar ca de data aceasta, fiind singura la control (Andrei trebuia sa stea acasa cu Alexei, si chiar daca ar fi putut sa vina cu siguranta nu l-ar fi lasat sa intre in maternitate din motive de securitate covid), am simtit ca e mai potrivit sa interiorizez un pic reactiile (la Alexei a fost cu plansete si fericire exprimata foarte vocal :D). Insa m-am bucurat cel putin la fel de mult ca prima oara si am simtit… am simtit ca mi s-a luat o piatra de pe inima 🙂 Asa ca de acum inainte voi scrie in jurnalul de sarcina si voi documenta tot parcursul acestei sarcini, lucru pe care la Alexei nu am apucat sa il fac. Nici nu imi doream foarte mult sa scriu despre sarcina, eram si foarte coplesita de tot ce se intampla si parca nu intelegeam exact ce am de facut mai repede. Acum insa… ma simt mai impacata, ma simt mai asumata in primul rand si cred ca faptul ca nu mai este totul complet nou ma ajuta enorm. Imi pot focusa emotiile in alte directii si ma pot bucura altfel 🙂 As vrea sa spun ca abia astept sa il cunoastem pe bebe insa sincera sa fiu, vreau ca sarcina aceasta sa nu treaca dupa doua clipiri din ochi 🙂 Vreau sa fie lenta, vreau sa ma bucur de ea, vreau sa am timp sa procesez ideea de doi copii si sa nu grabesc lucrurile cu nerabdare. Stiu, stiu ca o sa fie greu si ca vom intampina multe provocari, insa… cred eu ca suntem pregatiti pentru ele 🙂

EN:

I started to write this article in October 2020, when for the first time in six months since we were trying to have a baby, we had our first… almost positive test. I say “almost” because the second line was really really blurry. But, being a test done in the first day of my missed period, we didn’t worry and we were quite certain that it was a pregnancy. During these six months (from May since October) I did thousands of tests, in an obsessive manner, as if I couldn’t accept the idea of a negative test. I already knew all the types of tests, what quantity of HCG they detect, which ones are good for finding from the first day of missed period, which ones are not, which ones are the most famous, which ones are least recommended. And based on the theory that a pregnancy tests almost never gives a false positive result, I was almost enthusiastic 🙂 Actually, I was really happy (as much as I tried to deny it :D) as I already started looking for some pregnancy leggings for the winter 😀

Before starting this entire story with the second pregnancy, I would like to say that I have never thought that I truly want to have a second baby until Alexei turned 2, I was positive that we are good in this formula. But things became better and better, nicer and funnier after 18 months (when Alexei was already walking and started to talk some words in his own language, which made us easier for us to understand what he needed), the nights have become longer and restful, we didn’t face tantrums (almost at all, the few tantrums he had during the time were short and luckily easy to handle) and somehow… we started missing having a baby. At two years and one week my period started again after giving birth (yes, I know, I’ve been lucky and I really enjoyed the fact that it returned so late) and that’s when we started trying to get pregnant for the second time. I know there are lots of opinions on this subject, I’ve spoken with so many moms about this, but I in this article I will only present my experience and the advices I received from my doctor.

There’s a myth that says that breastfeeding can be a form of natural contraception and I’ve been often said that if I breastfeed, it will be harder for me to get pregnant. My doctor told me from the very first moment that this is not true and that I can be pregnant even breastfeeding, no matter how much the child breastfeeds during the day or night. But she explained that the fact that I did not have my period yet was indeed a problem. I honestly was hoping that not having menstruation after birth is not a real amenorrhea, without ovulation, but it seems that what I knew was wrong. My doctor explained me that as long as the body does not have menstruation, it is impossible to get pregnant. And the (rare) cases where women are getting pregnant without menstruation have a simple explanation: they got pregnant right in the month when their period was about to start. So if they did not get pregnant at that precise moment, they would have probably had their period in that month. A kind perfect timing 🙂 Of course I am not the appropriate person to have an opinion about these medical aspects, but it seemed like a reasonable explanation.

Ok, so going back 🙂 On 25th of October I made a Barza pregnancy test (at one day of missed period), knowing that these can detect the HCG from the body even when it has lower values. Ultrasensitive Barza. I repeated the tests every day until 29th of October (even twice or thrice per day – I knew this is not normal, but I was still doing it, I was even hiding to do the test), different brands, different types of tests, but each test had the same result. The second line was blurry. Even though I didn’t want to go to the doctor so soon (there could have been maximum 4 weeks) I was so troubled that I had to do it just to get over this stress that I was having because I didn’t know for sure if I was pregnant or not. In my mind I started to make all sort of plans (undocumented and unfounded plans) and I was thinking that either I might have an ectopic pregnancy (even though I had absolutely no symptom), or a miscarriage (I was thinking that the blurry line was blurry because the test could not detect enough HCG, which worried me because I knew that at every 48-72 hours the value of this hormone doubles, so I considered that the second line should have become more and more clear, not as blurry or even blurrier as time was passing).

So on 29th of October I had my first doctor appointment. If the second line would have been clear, I wouldn’t have wanted to see a doctor until at least the 6th week of pregnancy, when the heartbeat could have been seen and a pregnancy could have been confirmed. I knew that at this age of the pregnancy the only thing that the doctor could confirm is that there is the amniotic sac (best case scenario) and most probably I should have returned after 6-7 weeks to confirm the heartbeat, but because I wanted to stop the obsession with the pregnancy tests that I was making every daily, I felt the need to see a doctor. I was terrified by this control. It happened the same in my first pregnancy (which I lost) and also at Alexei. The miscarriage traumatized me (that pregnancy stopped evolving at 7-8 weeks) and it was very, very hard for me to think that I will go through the same thing again. But as self defense, this was the only thing that I was thinking about and I was mentally preparing myself for such news.

On 29th of October, at the control, doctor’s first reaction was “I do not see anything that could indicate a pregnancy here”. I was not disappointed because I was ready for any news that I did not want to hear. But at the end of the ultrasound there was an “uhhhm… actually… I might see a dot”. The dot she was seeing was actually… a dot, I don’t even understand how did she recognize it. But she told me that it might be the beginning of an amniotic sac, but she could not confirm at that stage. In that particular moment, she could not say that was a pregnancy. She advised me to stop making pregnancy tests but to do some blood tests to see the level of beta-HCG and confirm the pregnancy. She did not tell me to retake the blood test the second day (as I thought that I have to do, having the experience of the misarrange) because at that age of the pregnancy it wouldn’t have been relevant. The value of the HCG in that particular moment would have been enough to confirm the presence or the beginning of a pregnancy. She recommended to meet again in one week or even 10 days and meanwhile I had to do the blood test for the beta-HCG value and also another set of tests that are typical for the first trimester of pregnancy.

I made the blood tests several days after the doctor appointment and because I had some more tests included in the system (from previous checkups, I just forgot to make those tests), I made approximately 40 tests. When I got home, beta-HCG was the only one missing from that long list of tests :))) Somehow the universe was conspiring in not letting me know if I’m pregnant. But because it was already the 8th day of my missed period, I started to hope that I was. Even though I wasn’t thinking too much about this and I was trying to avoid any kind of early happiness, I was feeling that I was pregnant. After I called at Regina Maria to add the HCG on the list of tests, I got the result. The value of the HCG in the 8th day of missed period was 1360 mUI/mL.

On 4th of November I’ve been to a new control, because the level of HCG was clearly indicating a pregnancy and it was important to confirm that this was not an extrauterine pregnancy. Luckily, at the scan it was confirmed that this was an intrauterine pregnancy but the only thing that could be seen was the amniotic sac. The embryo wasn’t formed yet. But unlike the previous time, the pregnancy could be confirmed and according to the measurements it was evaluated as having 4 weeks. The next visit at the doctor was planned after other two weeks, when we wanted to check if the embryo was forming and if it has a heartbeat. Even though I do not like to write this down, I was a bit disappointed after this visit. I did not understand why the pregnancy was so small and why the level of HCG was not higher, but I was trying to be positive and to enjoy the fact that the amniotic sac was now formed. But the fact that I had to wait 2 more weeks to confirm if the heart can be heard was giving me a weird feeling of anxiety.

In spite of all this, the planets aligned to test my patience so I found the next doctor appointment in three weeks, on 25th of November (when the pregnancy would have had 7 weeks). During all this time I had the classical symptoms (nausea, breast sensitivity – which felt even worst that first time as now I am also breastfeeding Alexei, hunger, tiredness). Compared to the pregnancy with Alexei (which I barely felt it) this pregnancy already seems harder and the nausea made me feel really bad and unproductive. It was hard for me to wake up in the morning, I permanently felt the need to eat something to stop the nausea and in general I did not feel so great. I had no energy, I had no inspiration, I wasn’t in the mood for anything. I felt lazy, I ate more than I needed (to stop the nausea), I could sleep literally anywhere (including on the floor, while playing with Alexei). All these symptoms were confirming the fact that the pregnancy was progressing (even though I have never felt that while being pregnant with Alexei, I just felt a bit of bloating) but I still was a bit worried. I felt the need to hear the doctor’s confirmation that the embryo was formed and that the heartbeat could be heard 🙂

On 25th of November I received this confirmation. Tiny, tiny, 7 weeks baby, with a proper heartbeat 🙂 I did not hear the heart but I could see it beating on the screen. And even though I knew the feeling (pretty well actually) and I was ready for the emotions that I was about to feel, I still felt that I was extremely happy. Just that this time, being alone at this control (Andrei was at home with Alexei and even if he could have joined me he wouldn’t have been allowed to enter the maternity due to covid restrictions), I felt that it was more appropriate to internalize my reactions (at Alexei we cried and expressed our happiness very vocally :D). But I enjoyed it at least as much as I did it in the first time and I felt… I felt relieved 🙂 So from now on I will write a pregnancy journal and I will document everything during this pregnancy, which I haven’t done in my previous pregnancy. I didn’t want to write too much about this subject, I was overwhelmed by everything that was going on and I didn’t understand what I have to do first. But now… I feel way better, I feel that I am more assumed and I think that thanks to the fact that it helps me a lot that I don’t see everything as completely new anymore. I can focus my emotions in other directions and I can enjoy this pregnancy in a different way 🙂 I would to say that I can’t wait to meet our baby but honestly, I don’t want this pregnancy to end in a blink of an eye 🙂 I want it to be slow, I want to enjoy it, I want time to process the idea of having two children and I don’t want to rush it with impatience. I know, I know, it will be hard and we will face all sort of challenges but… I think we’re ready for them 🙂